The pastor read from Psalm 139: "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." I love thinking that God has a plan for our lives and is always present, even in the dark moments.
Now that the house is quiet again, though still littered with post funeral party detritus (folding chairs, flowers, a fridge stocked with church lady food), I feel like I can exhale a bit.
Flowers from Kathy's funeral.
I so rarely allow myself moments of silence, time to reflect. I'm usually fluttering from one thing to the next. Today as I walked I thought about the last year - a changed relationship with my dad, losing my second mom, learning to carve out space for myself.
I'm so inspired by people who live authentically, who don't apologize for who they are yet in living their best life, inspire others to do the same.
I listened to a podcast the other day - the writer behind the Frugalwoods blog was on WBUR's On Point. She spoke of one day waking up and realizing that she didn't like the life she was in and that she'd been putting little band-aids on her everyday life. Band-aids like lattes and eating out and purchases that made her feel better but only for a little while. When she allowed herself to think about what she wanted, truly wanted, she realized that it was easy to take away those little splurges if it meant carving out space for her heart's true desires.
As I walked today I thought about my true desires. I thought about what life I'd like if I were to strip away the expectations for myself I've carried around too long, the shoes I've worn that don't quite fit but don't quite pinch enough to take off either.
In college I studied abroad in Quito, Ecuador. I was so homesick that I reverted to my most basic mode of survival - walking. Almost every day I hiked in Parque Metropolitano, which was just minutes from my house.
Parque Metropolitano / source
After college I moved to New Mexico and again took up my daily walks. I wasn't just walking, I was familiarizing myself with new surroundings and claiming my space within them.
Las Cruces, NM / source
My dream life, I decided, would include a lot of just that - walking, being present in nature, hiking, appreciating the change of light each season brings, familiarizing myself with streets, neighbors, the daily hum and schedule of the life happening around me.
My dream life would include painting and writing, creating and experiencing life in flow. I thought about the times that I've been truly happiest, and they have been when painting. I've always wanted to live a life where I have paint on my hands every single day.
My favorite painting job to date! I've been offered jobs since this one but haven't accepted many. I have limited time outside of my regular job / family / etc. so I look for projects that challenge and excite me. We're moving both kids into Graydon's room soon so I may rework some of his mural to better fit their new shared space.
My dream life would also include social connections, both deep friendships and casual, quick interactions at preschool pickup, or in the grocery store line. I find that I'm only open to these connections when my plate isn't as full, when I'm not rushing from activity to activity.
My dream life would include lots and lots of yoga. I joined a hot yoga studio while living in New Mexico and still remember how wonderful that felt, to be completely focused on being present in my body.
The thing about dream lives though, is that you have to have to courage to live them. No one else is going to live your life for you. I plan to use this next year to bring me closer to that dream life. xo, LJK
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