Artist Spotlight: Gisela Magdalena Moyer

While in Door County last week, Mike, Margaret and I stopped in Bailey's Harbor for an afternoon walk and stumbled upon a small art festival. I was immediately drawn in by the bright colors and textures in the work of artist Gisela Magdalena Moyer. I stopped to compliment her on her work, and she told me her story as a refugee during World War II. As a young child she and her family fled to Bavaria, where she "learned about life in her mother's garden." She later went to the University of Wisconsin at Green Bay and earned her US citizenship. She's truly an example of how art heals the artist and the community.

 Untitled

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  Ida's Garden:  Summer Garden 1

 Triptych Ida's Garden

The texture of Moyer's work is amazing! It took all of my self control to not run my hands along her pieces. She makes the paper herself, then paints it with acrylic. Many of her pieces are paper layered on paper, to mimic a real garden's feel.

Little Layered Garden 3

There's also tons of symmetry in her work that adds to its peacefulness:

Summer Blossoms

 

Butterfly Garden 1

 

Ida's Garden Meditation

When I asked her about the use of symmetry in her work, and she told me that when she's feeling the effects of her early life's trauma, she uses symmetry in artwork to draw her back to center.

 Summer Bowl 1

I also love her sense of whimsy!

 Ballerina Doll 1

 Ballerina Doll 2

To learn more about Gisela Magdalena Moyer or to purchase her pieces, you can visit her website, or follow her on Facebook.

Grace for Today

Today was my first day back to work after a week long vacation, the longest leave I've taken since my daughter was born almost two years ago! It's common knowledge that the Monday after a vacation is no walk in the park; however, this one was an odd one. I checked my emails and caught up on work, but was stopped twice today by people who walked into the building off of the street. This happens once in a while as our building is on a main intersection, but it was rare that both people met me as their first point of contact within the offices. The first person I encountered needed prayer and money for gas. The second person's car had broken down and he needed to get it jumped. I prayed for the first person and connected her with the staff member responsible for giving out gas cards. The second person I connected with a coworker with jumper cables (mine were in our van, which was at home). After each interaction, I continued with my day.

I've had a lot on my mind lately, with work decisions and life at home. We are in a state of flux in a way -- deciding our fall schedule and changing our lifestyle habits to better reflect our values.

Yesterday in worship the kids learned about "daily bread." The pastor asked them what counted as daily bread, and the kids were surprised to learn that things like clothing and a roof over their heads counted too!

My mind has been on my own "daily bread" as I consider employment opportunities and our monthly budget, how we want to live, and how we can serve others through our lifestyle.

I forget sometimes how blessed we are with what we have. With a house that is warm in the winter and cool in the summer. With gas in our cars and food in our fridge. With friends and family we can call in a pinch, should we ever need a jump (or a prayer).

I am horrible at trusting that things will work out, its true.  I don't do "grey" very well.

But in the meantime, in this season of flux, I'll thank God for my daily bread, in all its forms. 

The back of the house that I spent an hour clearing out this morning. Yes, this is the After photo! I'm thankful for the chance to better our home, even if it takes time and effort.

A newly weeded bed out front. I still want to dig up the rock and replace it with mulch, and thin out the day lilies. Everything in its good and perfect time.

How I quit drinking Diet Coke (and tips for breaking any bad habit)

I hesitate to write this post, since I'm still fairly new to being Diet Coke free, but July marks six months of being off Diet Coke so I thought it's time to share how I gave up my daily habit. I've quit Diet Coke a couple other times, once in college for a few months, and the second time during my entire pregnancy with Graydon. (Sorry Margaret, I didn't quit it during yours! #secondchildproblemsn) That said, this time feels different in that it's both a long-term decision and a daily focus.

Here's how I quit drinking Diet Coke, and how you can break bad habits too:

1). Find accountability partners: Early in the year, I told friends, family and co-workers that I was planning to quit. I almost always brought a 32 oz. Diet Coke to work with me each morning, so I knew that if I told my co-workers I was planning on quitting they'd give me the side eye if I ever showed up carrying a large Styrofoam cup. One co-worker even wrote me a letter the week after I told her, saying that she had prayed for me and was proud of me for working on my heath. My son, Graydon was also motivated by my desire to quit. He offered to keep me accountable by reminding me of the "tentacles" (aka chemicals) inside Diet Coke. Even now, six months later he sometimes asks me, "Is that a Diet Coke mom?"

2). Focus on the Why:  Even before I stopped drinking Diet Coke, I thought long and hard about my reasons for quitting.

• My number one reason was for my kids. I started drinking diet soda around age 12 because my mom always drank it (she has since quit too). It became a shared afternoon ritual, and one Graydon was quickly adopting from me. He would steal sips of my Diet Coke all the time, and I hated thinking about him consuming chemicals at such a young age, or ever.
• I wanted to model the importance of drinking water to my kids, but felt like a hypocrite because I never drank water myself! I knew if I wanted my kids to drink water, I needed to change my drinking habits. (Now we each fill up water bottles to take with us before we leave the house, so we can stay hydrated and avoid the temptation of purchasing drinks while out and about.)
• I also hated the amount of waste it produced (millions of straws go to the landfill each day, and I didn’t like contributing to so much waste). I hated wasting money on Diet Coke too. As embarrassing as it is now to admit, sometimes as much as $40 per month went towards drive-through fees and gas station stops. I knew I needed to stop filling landfills and emptying my pockets on Diet Coke.
• Most importantly, I hated how I felt when I drank so much Diet Coke. My heart would race, my hands would shake, I'd crave super sweet things because of the overly sweet nature of Diet Coke, and worst of all, I'd crash so hard from the caffeine high.
• I also knew deep down that though I was at a low weight for me personally, I often drank Diet Coke instead of stopping to eat. I've made many changes to become healthier over the years - learning to eat intuitively, finding an exercise I truly enjoy, and adapting therapeutic lifestyle choices to help manage my anxiety - but I felt like drinking Diet Coke was a huge hurdle standing in the way of me being truly healthy from the inside out.

3). Keep your goals close by:  I wrote down my reasons for quitting and kept it in the Notes section of my phone to reference often. I've also heard another tip for reminding yourself of your goals:  if you're really focused on a goal, consider changing your password or login to the thing you're trying to quit. For example, I could have changed my work password to "nodietcoke2018," so that every time I logged into my computer, I'd be reminded of my goal. I also have a family member who writes the number of days he's been sober on his mirror, so that when he sees himself, he sees a reminder of his sobriety too.

4). Distract yourself:  In the beginning, I switched to half-sweet, half-unsweet iced teas. I found myself desperate for sugar, due to the amount of aspartame I'd previously been consuming. I allowed myself permission to consume more sugar in those early days, knowing that I'd cut back over time (and I *think* I since have). I also drank a TON of water and sparkling water. It wasn't the same as Diet Coke (and may never be!) but at least I was distracted and my mouth was busy.

5). Accept slip-ups, and move on:  I recently relapsed but was able to move one. While planning a Vacation Bible School for over 270 kids, I definitely fell back into hyper-caffeinated Diet Coke mode; however, as soon as the week was over, I recognized how much better I'd felt not drinking it, and made the switch again. Allowing myself the grace to slip up once in a while, without it erasing all of the progress I've made, has made it easier to stick to my goal over the long run.

6). Avoid common triggers:  There are some foods that just go well with Diet Coke, for example, movie theater popcorn, pizza and Chili's chips and salsa! That said, if I'm going to eat one of those things, I mentally plan ahead to bring a sparkling water, drink water with lemon, or order an iced tea. I still have days when I crave a Diet Coke, but find that if I have it, it just doesn't taste the same. I now notice the after taste from its artificial sweetener, and immediately feel its negative effects.

7). Recognize your tendencies and adapt a new identity:  I am a moderator when it comes to food, but when it comes to Diet Coke, abstaining has always been easier than moderating. Knowing that about myself has made it easier to avoid Diet Coke all together, rather than trying to just have a Diet Coke once in a while. I also added it to my identity, in a way. I don't drink alcohol, and it's been super easy to tell people in social settings "no thanks" because I just know I don't drink. The same has been true of Diet Coke. It's now just something I don't do. (Though in the same way I feel about people who drink alcohol, I hold zero judgment over people who do drink Diet Coke! It's just not for me, anymore).

I'm so happy about how I feel not drinking Diet Coke and hope to keep it up! What things have you given up? What habits have you broken? Share your tips and tricks!

May/June 2018 Project Recap (and life as an Obliger)

Hi all! May and June were super busy months for me between my day job and my side projects. I'm finding though, that I like having lots of client projects, because if I don't have a client deadline, I'm much less likely to create art on my own. According to Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies quiz, that makes me an Obliger, or someone who meets outer expectations but resists inner ones. Gretchen Rubin says that the Obliger's tendency is to do things more easily for others than ourselves. Or, as she writes, Obligers "work hard not to let other people down, but they often let themselves down." Bingo! I love client projects because it forces me to do the work. I'm not sure I would paint or create as consistently without these "imposed" deadlines. That said, it's not always feasible for me to take on client work due to my regular job's workload, and I tend to have the most jobs in the spring and summer, leaving fall and winter "off" to work on my own projects.


It's definitely something I think about often in regards to writing too. I recently heard Gretchen speak on the Ask a Manager podcast about the sometimes overemphasized idea of combining your work life with your passions. I loved what Gretchen said of her vocation as a writer:  "I would be a writer even if I were not paid for it. I cannot help it, I feel compelled to do it. It is a compulsion with me to do this work."


That's how I feel about writing and art. It's the way I cope with difficult times in my life. It's the way I experience my most pure joy. It's the way I feel most "in the flow." As an Obliger, the difficulty for me lies in creating a habit around, well, creating. If I'm tasked with writing something for work, or painting something for a client, I am prompt and responsive. But if it's just me and my laptop, or me and a blank canvas, it becomes much more difficult to do the work. I sometimes think that speaks to a deeper issue, of learning to value myself and the things that bring me joy without any purpose or reason, as much as or more than I enjoy giving to others. 


Gretchen Rubin might argue though that it's not so much an issue of self-esteem or what I value, but rather an issue of accountability.  I'm hoping that by blogging about my creative process, that I can find accountability through interaction with an online community of other creatives. 


Also, as an Obliger, it's sometimes hard for me to do the work just for the sheer joy of doing it. I remember reading once in an Oprah magazine (maybe it was Martha Beck who said it), about not liking writing, but liking haven written. I think art is like that for me. I don't always enjoy the process, but I love having painted, having refinished an old piece of furniture into something new and beautiful, and I love having written.
And so, here are the things I enjoyed (and still enjoy) having done in May and June:






First up, this floral abstract, because I needed a painting for the bedroom reading nook of the home I staged in May, and had a half done canvas in my basement.





Seeing the picture again now I would have preferred 3 larger paintings, maybe with white matts, and two chairs instead of one, but I staged the entire house for just $500 (with almost $300 of that spent on one rug). So I'll take it!



Next up, these two paintings for the living room of the same home:





Again the choice came down to cost - the canvases were on sale at Tuesday morning, so I got both for around $20!


Here they are in the space:





I love how they pull out the colors of the beautiful rug (from Homegoods).


I also painted another abstract for a friend's bedroom. We took a frame off of an old painting she wasn't using anyore, and fit a new canvas within it. Here's the frame before:





And after a coat of white chalk paint and dark glaze:





The finished product:





I love how it looks in her master bedroom! I also advised her to replace her current lamps with some other lamps from her guest room that have mercury glass bases and large white drum shades. And we bought nickel pulls for her dressers. I think it's really common to want everything to match, especially when it comes to metals, but I personally love mixing metal finishes and colors - it makes everything feel like it's been accumulated over time and is a much more custom look than buying everything in the same color.





I also painted this seascape for a friend who met her husband in Florida and moved to California in June:





I've done quite a few projects for OhmFit Activewear, a shop in our Uptown area. She asked me to paint over the base of one of her moving racks in June. It was a quick two day project (just dry time in between trips to the shop). I used my favorite Benjamin Moore ADVANCE Interior Paint for a self-leveling finish.





For the same store, I refinished the top of the owner's cash wrap / desk. The wood was worn and scratched in places, but a new coat of Minwax Gel Stain in Mahogany.





Another staining project I did in June was on these hand-me-down deck chairs. The wood had worn from weather, so I sanded them down and stained them with Minwax Wood Finish Dark Walnut Oil-based Interior Stain. Here's the before:





After stain, but before polyurethane:





And in their new home on my front porch:









Other small projects include some quick edits to this cow painting (covered the word Montana with grass, and stained the frame darker), and painting the client's wedding date on this rustic door to hang in her kitchen.










And here's the door:








I also painted over some stained glass for the same homeowner. It took two thin coats of primer, and three thin coats of Benjamin Moore Aura paint in Stonington Gray (HC-170), but I love how the windows now match the farmhouse feel of the whole house!





And the after:










Last but certainly not least, I did my first pet portrait! It was a Father's Day gift for the husband of a past client. I love how it turned out!

Here's Augie, the inspiration:



And Augie in paint form:





Whew! If you've made it this far, well done! I'm tired just thinking about all of the projects I did in May and June (on top of caring for my babies and planning a Vacation Bible School for 271 kids and 150 volunteers for my day job). But as an Obliger, I'm so glad that my client projects keep me doing what I love doing - painting, creating, trying new things, and writing about the process.

Onwards and Upwards



via Mari Andrew

I'm learning to trust myself again. Do you ever feel like the older you get, the harder it is to trust yourself? I've heard that by the time you turn 40 you have loads of confidence because you just stop caring about the worries of your 20's and are free of the mothering and career building that consumes your 30's. 40 year olds, please weigh in.


I've come to a bit of a crossroads this year. I feel myself pulled towards something I'm just beginning to name:  a creative's life. Yoga and writing and art and radical hospitality.


Having long been the "responsible one," fear always stops me from fully diving in.


Maybe it's because I'm financially minded, or maybe it's because I grew up only hearing about what I should do. But that's changing now.


When I doubt myself (and I do!), I force myself to remember that I'm still me. I'm still the same girl who at 4 somehow got out of the campus housing we lived in at the time, and marched across the quad right up to the office where my mom worked, then demanded to see my mother. I'm still the 14-year-old who flew to Mexico City to immerse myself in religious iconography and to see and taste and experience alongside 20 complete strangers. I'm still the 16-year-old who walked into a local coffee shop and asked them to display my art, which they happily did without hesitation. Who knew that if you only asked, you would receive? I'm still the girl who at 20 studied abroad in the jungles of Ecuador. (Next time, I would pack differently though! I would trade my blow-dryer for water proof boots, just saying). And I'm still the 21-year-old who a few months after college graduation moved across the country for a job near the US-Mexico border.


I'm still her. She's still me. And maybe she's the only one I really need to impress.


I may be a little bruised and wind blown. I may be a little more burdened by a mortgage and meetings and taxes and adulting.


But I'm still here. I can still be brave. I can do hard things.


I can trust the tiny voice within me that whispers "write." As if it's the simplest thing in the world to carve out emotional space and time for the process of creating.


I'm finding, too, that I no longer have another choice. The "shoulds" are no longer fulfilling and the trusting is no longer an option. So write I shall.


Onwards and upwards,
Laura Jean Kathleen

Talks with God

 

I talk with God a lot. Some people call it prayer or meditation but I treat it like a normal conversation.  It happens like this. I'll be doing some everyday task like washing dishes in the kitchen. I start by saying something like, "Oh hey it's me again, just popping in for some advice." And just like I would if I were chatting with an old friend over coffee I begin.

"What in the heck should I do about my job, my family, my life?" I rinse and load one dish.

"I'm here," I say back. It's me, but not really me. I hear the Spirit's voice as clear as day sometimes. But only when I'm ready to listen.

"Okay, noted. But what about the future?" I say "What should I do?" I scrub some hardened ketchup off of a plate.

"Keep writing" I hear.

"How can I make money doing what I love?" I ask. I rinse out my dish rag with warm water.

"I've given you a spirit of creativity mixed with a big dose of practicality. Use it." It says.

"Where do you want me to go from here?" I stare out the window over my sink into my backyard at dusk.

"Keep writing." It urges.

"What's next God?" I pick up a new plate.

"Keep taking one step at a time." It begs.

And then that's it. Chat time is over and I'm back to my life. The door has closed for now, the line temporarily disconnected, it's just me and my overflowing sink. That's not to say that God isn't there with me in the mundane.  God is alongside me in all things, both in and and moving through me. It's just to say that that's all the reveal I'll get for tonight. Like a movie preview for a new release still years away.

I love these verses from Ecclesiastes 3: "I have seen the business that God has given to everyone to be busy with. He has made everything suitable for its time; moreover he has put a sense of past and future into their minds, yet they cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I know that there is nothing better for them than to be happy and enjoy themselves as long as they live; moreover, it is God's gift that all should eat and drink and take pleasure in their toil. I know that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it; God has done this, so that all should stand in awe before him."


I doubt. I hem and I haw. I try to jump two steps ahead of the process.
But then I remember my role is simply to be present. To lean into the Spirit, to trust.

It's almost painful in its simplicity.

I want more. I want to see more, be more, to act beyond my capacity.

But then I'm reminded "I'm here. Be here now with me."

So I keep washing my dishes, and allow myself to rest, to hang up my worries and discard today's anxieties.

I have done enough for today. Tomorrow is a new day. There will be more dishes in the morning.

2018 Savings Goals - (Almost) mid-year check-in!

It is hot. So very hot. Why? you may ask. Because our air conditioner is shot. Back when I wrote savings goals in January I mentioned the possibility of needing a new air conditioner since our current unit is old and uses a type of refrigerant that is no longer being manufactured. Well, that day has arrived. It's 84 degrees in our house currently. Luckily the kids have been sleeping soundly with window fans and a good breeze, but It. Is. Hot. 

I thought I'd take a look back at this year's savings goals since a). we're almost halfway through the year (how??) and b). we will be shifting around our savings priorities due to getting a new air conditioner and possibly furnace as well. #Adulting. Sigh. 

This year we wanted to:

1. Rebuild our emergency fund (~$3K) - We would have easily hit this goal this month, but now it's going right out the window to pay for our new heating and cooling system. That said, I'm so thankful that we have the money to buy a new unit in cash! If anything, everything that's happened this year has made me realize the importance of having an emergency fund. We like to have at least 6 months worth of expenses saved (5 months in an higher interest earning account not linked to our checking). To build it back up, we will likely pause our retirement contributions until it's fully funded. While it can sometimes feel frustrating to have money sitting in an account that you "can't" touch, the relief of knowing it's there for when life happens is huge!
2. A fence for the backyard ($2-4K) - Sadly this one will have to wait until next summer. But that's life! And the kids have been doing really well staying in the yard (though I'm still almost always outside with them). 
3. A new air conditioner ($4K) - We actually received a quote for a few air conditioner units that range from $2900-3700; however, upon further investigation, I realized that it probably doesn't make sense for us to install a new energy star rated air-conditioner, only to pair it with a 15 year old heater / blower. (I'm using such technical language, aren't I?) Also, if we were to purchase a new furnace at the same time as we purchase an air conditioner, they would have the same energy rating which ups their overall efficiency. And, on top of that, buying both at the same time would allow us to cash in on some rebates from our electricity and gas companies, plus Lennox, the maker of the new HVAC system. Overall, I'm leaning towards buying both now, vs. replacing the heater in 3-5 years for an additional cost. But, that makes our original $4,000 estimate more like $5400. 
4. Vacations / Trips ($1500) - We are doing well on our goal of taking more trips! In May we took a kid-free weekend trip to Chicago for our anniversary, then took the kids to St. Louis over Memorial Day weekend ($550 for both trips). Next up is a week-long Door Country trip over Fourth of July, which usually costs us about $500 with eating out and gas (we stay with Mike's family in their beautiful farmhouse). 
5. Gardening / Landscaping ($1000?) - We got a quote last month to rip out all of our front bushes (they are so large that the removal process is closer to that of a tree than a bush); however, we decided to push back that project until we knew more about our air conditioner situation. And knowing what we know now, well, the bushes will have to wait!
6. Finish Mike's tattoo sleeve ($1500) - Sigh, this one has been put on the back burner again!
7. Pay for sinus surgery ($1500?) - I'm so, so glad I got sinus surgery! I haven't had a sinus infection since before the surgery in February (knock on wood) and I can breathe through my nose every. single. day. Worth the close to ~$2500 (?) we paid out of pocket for the procedure.

It's turning out to be a great year! One of life's normal ups and downs but with careful cash flow planning, we've managed to stay out of debt, despite a medical procedure, taking fun family trips and now a new HVAC system!

Next up, a recap of my May painting projects! xo

A Quick Privacy Update

Hi all! Just a quick update on my privacy policy. 

Businesses who reach people in the EU are required to comply with new compliance standards. So, I just wanted to let you know that nothing has changed regarding this site. 

If you continue to read Laura Jean Kathleen (and I hope you do!) you're consenting to receiving these communications.

Thanks!

Yoga & Solo Parenting

The theme of the weekend was twofold:  yoga & solo parenting. It was Mike's weekend to close so I maxed out on alone time at yoga before he started each shift. Good thing too, since we're facing a bit of a sleep regression with 19-month-old MK. Whereas we could once put her down awake she's now requiring us to either let her scream it out, thereby pushing back her brother's bedtime, or keep her up until she drops. We're at the 20 minute mark now of her screaming "MOMMY" at the top of her lungs, but going in there only gets her more worked up. So I'm waffling between tolerating the heart-rate quickening screaming, or accepting that MK is the queen of this castle and will go to bed whenever she pleases. (The final verdict:  I rocked her to sleep after 30 minutes of crying. This whole sleep training thing is a doozie.) 

Last night I couldn't take the crying, so opted to introduce MK to the guilty pleasure that is TLC's Say Yes to the Dress. She fell asleep in my arms shortly thereafter. 

Yoga though, was the opposite of my screaming child - brain-clearing, heat-rate slowing, muscle-stretching, and calming. I took a 60 minute half yoga / half Pilates class on Saturday and then a 75 min Vinyasa flow class today, complete with lots of sun salutations and planks. I loved every minute of it.

My post yoga glow on Saturday. This morning after yoga a woman told me I had beautiful skin. I thanked her but fear she'd been misled as I had come from church with a full face of makeup on. I skipped church in favor of "yoga church." 

I've noticed recently just how much my mood is affected by all exercise, but by yoga in particular. I leave each class feeling completely stretched out and clearheaded. I struggle with anxiety and depression on a daily basis, but work hard to do the things I need to do to feel my best. When I'm anxious, my brain is ALWAYS running. At its best, my anxiety causes me to over-analyze every situation, and at its worst it creates a deep sense of "fight or flight". Yoga quiets all of the noise in my brain (the to-do lists, the tendency to over-analyze, the second guessing and the self-condemnation). It allows me to step outside of myself and slowly pick up each worry, examining it carefully in my hands before placing it gently up on a shelf to be dealt with at a later date. That's not to say exercise brain makes all of my troubles magically disappear; rather, I feel much more equipped to handle whatever life throws my way (you know, like when G yells "Mommy, I kinda sorta peed all over the bathroom" mere minutes after I finished cleaning it. For example). 

Yoga is so mind clearing that I find myself wondering if this is how others live all the time. It's how I felt when I first got glasses, or after my nose opening sinus surgery, or when I tried Passion Fruit La Croix for the first time. So this is how others see! Or, I'm supposed to be able to breathe through my nose on a regular basis. And, why have I been wasting my precious pennies on Pamplemousse? (Though in Pamplemousse's defense, it was voted the #1 La Croix flavor by Time Out. My beloved Passion Fruit came in tenth. To each her own.)

So to yoga I will go. Because my anxiety has been at a near lifetime high and that's just no bueno, not acceptable, no thank you sir. In order to get myself to the gym, I penciled in my calendar every yoga class offered next week (including the yoga/Pilates combo and sweat inducing PIYO Live classes). When I schedule something at the beginning of the week I'm much more likely to follow through.

Beyond its physical and emotional benefits, the thing I like best about yoga in this stage of my life is that it's a unique intersection between my body being my own, and my time being my own, if only for the duration of a class. For the last four years I've been pregnant, recovering from birth, breastfeeding, pregnant again, recovering from birth again and breastfeeding again. Then finally, finally my body became my own again. The jury's still out on my time being my own, but yoga helps with the facade.

The reading right before Shavasana today included this Becca Lee quote:

 source

It reminded me that sometimes life can be easy. Sometimes it's worth it to cut yourself some slack, throw sleep training to the wind and rock your sweet baby to sleep before it's too late. Sometimes it's okay to ask more of others than yourself (aka, you're not a bad mom if you demand that your 4 year-old wipe up his own pee on the bathroom floor). And sometimes it's okay to not have any answers for the foreseeable future, but to just keep showing up and bringing it all to the mat. 

On Quiet & Dream Lives

Life has not been quiet lately. Mike's mom passed away two weeks ago yesterday, and since then it's been a blur of activity. I had some idea of what went into planning a funeral from watching my mom plan her dad's, but I didn't know just how much it would take out of me as the main contact / funeral planner of the family. The memorial service was beautiful, though, and felt like my gift to the family. Mike's dad didn't want to have a funeral service, but I (selfishly) wanted one for myself, and thought that others might need the closure too. More than 100 people came to honor Kathy and celebrate her life.

The pastor read from Psalm 139:  "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." I love thinking that God has a plan for our lives and is always present, even in the dark moments.

Now that the house is quiet again, though still littered with post funeral party detritus (folding chairs, flowers, a fridge stocked with church lady food), I feel like I can exhale a bit.

Flowers from Kathy's funeral.

I went to yoga at the gym today, but when I arrived I found out that it had been canceled. I had no headphones, so walked in the gym in silence.

I so rarely allow myself moments of silence, time to reflect. I'm usually fluttering from one thing to the next. Today as I walked I thought about the last year - a changed relationship with my dad, losing my second mom, learning to carve out space for myself.

I'm so inspired by people who live authentically, who don't apologize for who they are yet in living their best life, inspire others to do the same.

I listened to a podcast the other day - the writer behind the Frugalwoods blog was on WBUR's On Point. She spoke of one day waking up and realizing that she didn't like the life she was in and that she'd been putting little band-aids on her everyday life. Band-aids like lattes and eating out and purchases that made her feel better but only for a little while. When she allowed herself to think about what she wanted, truly wanted, she realized that it was easy to take away those little splurges if it meant carving out space for her heart's true desires.

As I walked today I thought about my true desires. I thought about what life I'd like if I were to strip away the expectations for myself I've carried around too long, the shoes I've worn that don't quite fit but don't quite pinch enough to take off either.

In college I studied abroad in Quito, Ecuador. I was so homesick that I reverted to my most basic mode of survival - walking. Almost every day I hiked in Parque Metropolitano, which was just minutes from my house.

Parque Metropolitano / source

After college I moved to New Mexico and again took up my daily walks. I wasn't just walking, I was familiarizing myself with new surroundings and claiming my space within them.

Las Cruces, NM / source

My dream life, I decided, would include a lot of just that - walking, being present in nature, hiking, appreciating the change of light each season brings, familiarizing myself with streets, neighbors, the daily hum and schedule of the life happening around me.

My dream life would include painting and writing, creating and experiencing life in flow. I thought about the times that I've been truly happiest, and they have been when painting. I've always wanted to live a life where I have paint on my hands every single day.

My favorite painting job to date! I've been offered jobs since this one but haven't accepted many. I have limited time outside of my regular job / family / etc. so I look for projects that challenge and excite me. We're moving both kids into Graydon's room soon so I may rework some of his mural to better fit their new shared space.

My dream life would also include social connections, both deep friendships and casual, quick interactions at preschool pickup, or in the grocery store line. I find that I'm only open to these connections when my plate isn't as full, when I'm not rushing from activity to activity.

My dream life would include lots and lots of yoga. I joined a hot yoga studio while living in New Mexico and still remember how wonderful that felt, to be completely focused on being present in my body.

The thing about dream lives though, is that you have to have to courage to live them. No one else is going to live your life for you. I plan to use this next year to bring me closer to that dream life. xo, LJK